It’s very rare that I have anything of my personal life on here but at the moment there’s nothing else on my mind. This is the story of a homeless man that stayed at our house and the abrupt ending of our relationship tonight. Like an hour ago.
I promise I’ll try to make this story as short as I can.
A few weeks ago Caroline and I met a homeless man, Frank, while walking. Living around the corner we offered to fix him a meal. To summarize the night we decided to give him a chance and let him sleep in our spare room. We freshened him up with some clothes and fed him but he seemed grateful to have company and a shower. He actually ended up staying another night or two. He would just show up around 10 p.m. and we’d give him a bed. At 7 a.m. I’d make him some eggs and he’d head off with posters to hang for lawn care jobs and what not.
But that first night I looked at his shoes and knew we had to get him some nicer kicks. The house I used to live in across the street, still full of some of my closest friends had a bag of shoes in the basement that no one seemed to claim. Our friend group is pretty tight knit and we have open doors to each other. So I took Frank over there to try on some unclaimed shoes. Ben (same Ben that went to Easter Island with us) heard me come in or something and helped Frank search through the bag.
Well, we told Frank we were going to be gone for a while to travel and who knows what he did during that time. But when I got back I was on a walk with my friend Kevin and saw Frank across the parking lot and went to talk to him. He immediately started pressing me for a phone card, I thought that it would be a good buy, after all he was looking for a job and hanging flyers with his number and was apparently out of minutes. So Kevin agreed to drive to the lot of us to CVS.
CVS apparently doesn’t have phone cards for US Cellular. So we went next door, same story. Frank turns to me and says that if I give him money that he’ll head north of town to Walmart, (the place where he got the phone in the first place), and get the phone card he needed. I reached in my wallet, about to grab a $20, and asked the price- he said they were about $40. $40! Seemed like a lot but I felt by now I could trust him. He did stay in my room with an SLR camera and junk… and who knows how many credit cards he could have snatched if he would have wanted to… Okay. I gave him an extra $2 for the bus and he was off on the 7 bus – north bound.
I didn’t quite feel right about it but I figured I should give him the chance and that he needs minutes to get a job. Right?
Well I get in the car and Kevin starts driving and although we weren’t going all the way up north, we were still behind the 7 bus, and guess who got off at the very next stop, 1 block away, nowhere near Walmart? Frank! I couldn’t believe it. Well I could and I couldn’t. I was pissed.
The next night he shows up at my house, but that’s a long story. Basically I was sick as a dog and was on the phone with my father-in-law seeing if I should go to the hospital about my stomach bug. We told him that it wasn’t a good time and blah blah. He really was guilt-tripping Caroline but ultimately we couldn’t; we were hosting these CouchSurfers and it was not a good time.
So the next night, which was last night, apparently he shows up at my neighbor’s house again. Apparently he was just napping on the couch which is in the screened-in porch area and one of the nice guys living in the house, Jon, invites him in to sleep on the couch inside. The next morning he guilt trips our friend Seth (who went to China with us) into giving him a ride. Then he gets him to take him to CVS. To get what? A phone card! When Seth told me today, I was steamed. He ran the same scam on Seth.
Honestly, I felt bad. Not only am I the reason that he is showing up at my friends’ house randomly but now he’s scamming Seth, who is like the nicest guy, out of his socks. Seth was telling all this to me earlier on a run and I knew one thing, he was going to come back (and I’m the reason why). He’s going to keep coming back and these guys are nicer than me and won’t turn him away. But I knew, he was going to be there come 10 p.m.
So I went to their house and hung out with Seth until Frank came walking up. He asked Ben and Seth for a place to stay and Ben said that he would ask the guys and he went in to realize that none of the other guys were home. So Ben offered the couch on the porch (which I guess he was already acquainted with). It was dark already and Frank didn’t realize I was standing there but I turned on the lights and once he saw me he came and gave me a hug. I hugged a different Frank though – his eyes were red and he smelled a lot like booze.
Even though he was drunk I couldn’t not bring it up.
“Why did you get off the bus on the very next stop Frank?” He told me how all these UVA kids were talking about how good they were and he just had to get off. *rolls eyes* (Beside the fact it’s summer, UVA kids don’t ride the public buses).
“Funny, I’m not too good to ride the bus Frank. But how did you then get to Walmart to buy your phone card?” (He told us two nights before that he spent the $40 on the phone card). He went on to explain how he “got a ride” and certainly did get his phone card.
“Okay, so why did Seth buy you another one this morning?”
“Well, the first one had the wrong kind of minutes!”
It went on and on and I didn’t let it go. When I said that I was sad he lied to me, he jumped up and said he has never lied. I pressed the question of where the minutes from the $40 had gone and he told me how I only worshiped the God of money and he had quite a few bible verses to prove it. *blinks*
I pressed about the card again to which he said very sternly, “Do you not believe me?! I can show you the receipt! Do you want to see it?” Apparently he didn’t plan out what to say if I responded “Yes”. When I did, he stared and thought for a second. Then he continued on about how I only care about money. Seth and Ben were trying to explain to him that if he wants us to be friends to him, well any friend would hold another friend accountable. But I just pressed on asking him to admit he lied, until it came to quite an end.
He pulled out the flip-phone and threw it on the ground and started stomping it to pieces. Grabbed the sim card. And walked off into the night… still quoting damning bible verses upon me.
So I felt bad for causing all this in the first place, duped for spending so much money over the weeks and now guilty for this phone smashing argument with a drunk guy I engaged.
I knew though that he would keep coming back and I didn’t want him to use my friends and I didn’t think he would admit to lying In my mind, his walking off was the best-case scenario. Yet… it just doesn’t feel good.
In fact I even feel guilty that I may have been the reason he was drunk. $40 could be a bad thing for someone struggling with alcoholism.
Goodness, what a night.
I really don’t want to discourage people from trusting people from any walk of life but I think I learned a few things. Call me cynical but the phone card thing is his gig. It’s a scam to get money somehow. Maybe he returns them, maybe you can get cash somehow, I don’t know, but I bet you it’s his gig. Frank was absolutely pleased to be treated like a human. After his shower he looked like he was in heaven. Smiling ear to ear. It was a good thing to see. But the morning I gave him money things changed – I went from a fellow human being to an avenue to feed his addiction.
I wish I gave him nothing but food from my fridge and a shower.
Also I’ve met homeless people who aren’t trying to game you. Actually, the way I can tell is simply their ability to not ask you for things or talk about other things. If you go out to dinner and it’s just about life, what they used to do for work, where they are from… that’s a good sign. But bible verses for hours on the very specific theme of giving followed by a phone card request is a bad sign.
Any positive thoughts?
It’s funny because earlier today (before this phone breaking episode) we were discussing the situation with our friend Seth and our CouchSurfer Garrett and Garrett told a little parable. In summary, it’s a story about someone who sees a baby floating down a river and so they jump in to get it out. But soon, they notice more and more. So this person grabs a few others near by to help. After restlessly saving babies for a while they decide to go upstream to see what’s causing the issue.
I think our CouchSurfer Garrett was explaining why he’s an activist but my mind immediately went to Frank. I don’t really know why Frank is homeless. Something tells me it’s not an unjust law or a corrupt system but at least in this case it’s a deep rooted personal issue. The only way I can think to address the cause of this kind of homelessness is to help youth.
Sorry to ramble on, but I guess this actually brings my thoughts full circle. You see, Caroline’s sister Rachel and her husband Zack want to adopt kids from Ukraine. Not only that but they want to adopt HIV positive kids from Ukraine. Apparently kids with such a disease are doomed to a terrible fate there. But here, especially with Rachel working in the medical field, they would have the chance to live a normal life. I honestly believe Rachel and Zack are giving someone a significantly better chance at life. Meaning, they would have had very slim odds at leading a normal life.
It’s hard to imagine how selfless one would have to be to make such a commitment. Caroline and I are doing a fundraiser hike for Rachel and Zack’s adoption. Ya know, the pledge per mile thing. But it feels like such a small contribution compared to the enormous costs of adoption. But after a cynical day like today, I believe even more in what Rachel and Zack are doing. It gives me some hope.
I wish there was a program where frequent flyers could donate their miles (which is a free transfer) to a non-profit that helped people with adoption costs. I would help anyone start that if someone wants to start it. :-p And at least promote it.
So what do you think? How are we to help people who don’t want to be truly helped? I feel like Frank ultimately was looking for money not a job. I’m not sure what I should have done differently, other than not barge in my friends’ house.
I apologize this post was so long.
You did good! You gave a man a place to stay, food and shelter. Yes, he might have taken advantage of you and your friends but so be it. It doesn’t diminish the fact that you helped someone have a better life, even for a brief moment.
I am very pleased and encouraged to see you and your friends generosity. You inspire me to help others in need. God looks at your heart. and you did a good job.
In future, you may help them get connected to some homeless shelter and give money to the care giver organization. Here in Baltimore, I know of one well run homeless shelter. Our church group collected blankets,shoes and dresses to donate.The homeless can come in night and leave early morning. The shelter provides them with food, dress, sleep in night and shower facilities.They also have programs to get them out of addictions. For those having serious addictions they won’t allow them to go out and mix with other inmates. The trainers include former homeless who were recovered through this program. They also have a chapel and Sunday worship service.
Keep up the good work 🙂
I’m one of those guys that rarely helps anyone like that–I am just too cynical and think 95% of those guys are working some scam. It pisses me off too because, when someone is truly in need (like the guy who REALLY locked his keys out of his car), I always strongly question whether to believe him or not. A terrible way to go through life…
OTOH, I have a friend who is (almost) the opposite. He is willing to talk to and help others around him. He is also the guy that get taken advantage of a lot, and not just by “bums”, but by salesmen, etc. He is “hardening up” as he gets older, but, at the same time, losing some of his loveability.
@ Andrew – Thanks. Those few words are actually the right thing to hear atm.
BTW, Andrew did you guys ever get my email? I don’t think I heard back… Hope you’re doing well.
@ Kamal – Thanks man. Ya know, some of my experience is that the homeless don’t want to go to the local resources. and maybe this is more so in Charlottesville as there is 1 shelter. But maybe this goes back to not wanting to be helped… and what do you do with that? “No, I don’t like to go there because…” And sometimes they seem like good reasons and sometimes it’s a matter not wanting to be helped but wanting something else.
@ bluecat – That’s interesting as I’m just 100% sure the thing was a scam and my friend Seth seems to still wonder if it was legit. After all he saw him try to load the minutes and then last night showed him that he now has 50 minutes (but shouldn’t a card have more than 50 minutes?!). It’s funny this one time I decided it wasn’t a scam and was more generous with my money, and it might have made me more cynical.
But you make a good point that sometimes people do need help. I think part of me thinks “what if he’s the 5% is does need help?” and I err on the side of helping. Now I wonder if that’s actually best.
Yea, so you’re friend is a little like Seth. He’s always being sold somethingthing. Like he has a belk and JC Penny retail card because he couldn’t say no to the cashier. But I hope he doesn’t harden.
In fact I hope people don’t read about this experience and harden. I guess I just posted this story because… well I was pissed and wanted to rant I guess. :-p But there are a lot of people who deserve chances. Maybe it doesn’t need to be money but love. Like many of the homeless here are lonely and not in danger of starving. But going to dinner seems like a good chance to give human interaction.
Who knows…
I don’t know if I should read your blog anymore after hearing this story. Do you have any street sense at all? Any? I bet you lose at 3 card monty all day too. PT Barnum’s true examples.
A bit shocking to see you let a bum into your house. Never in a million years would I do that – I’d give him some money to get to a shelter (or more likely go buy booze/drugs). I’d count myself lucky to only be ripped off $40. There are plenty of jobs if you really want to work – go work at McD’s or something. But these guys know it’s easier to get handouts than to get a job. I have no pity for them.
@ alan – lol, well, in my defense this is one of the more unsuccessful stories and I do regret giving him money and I probably won’t do that anymore. I’m sorry to have you doubt my common sense. Alan, give me a call and I’ll make it up to you I swear. But first I need some minutes, can you amazon payments me $22 for minutes?
@ Paul – well, if there wasn’t shock value I probably wouldn’t have posted a personal/non-travel related story. But I think you’re right that the money was a really bad idea.
I will say that working with inner city youth caused me to no longer see homeless people as bums but as children. I just know it goes that far back. So it’s a personal thing, I don’t think everyone has to be giving TO the homeless but I’ve seen good things from it, and I see them as people. If he steals my stuff, bummer. If I change someone’s life for the better then it was all worth the risk. And no this didn’t work out that way, and he didn’t it want it to. You’re totally right about that. BUT, I have taken homeless people to get food and met with them regularly and then I took a guy to get clothes from the thrift store and took him around looking for jobs and last I saw him, 5 years later he was still the dish washer at the same restaurant and had his own place. Well worth the risk of not protecting my stuff… in my opinion. However, I didn’t take him in my house I just met him in the mornings. YMMV
I was blessed to read your story…you and Caroline have such beautiful hearts 🙂 In my opinion, you were doing what God created us to do, help people. We were designed to do that. Yes, sometimes it doesn’t work out the way we want it to (or at least it doesn’t work out WHEN we want it to)…but imagine this: One day, Frank begins to realize what is happening and wants to turn his life around…and then he remembers the kindness you and your friends showed him. He just might be able to get some kind of motivation and hope from knowing that people actually DO care. I obviously don’t know the circumstances of his life, but I work with underprivileged every day and know that even when people want to change, it is almost impossible without a support system. I think you played a part in God’s plan and even if you don’t know how it all fits together, you did what you thought was right. That’s what counts. Maybe hope isn’t lost for Frank? I’ll pray for him and for the whole situation. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Oh, and I think it is a GREAT idea to help those trying to adopt. After our baby Ella passed away, we looked into international, but could not afford it. This would have certainly made a difference in our decision. Instead, we have been on the waiting list in NY since 2009. Still waiting, but I know we will get the child we were meant to have 🙂
I think what you did was honorable, and it is hard to live in the city and be faced with people asking for things all the time and not become cynical, but I think the best thing you can do is try and help them while minimizing the potential for damage (i.e. buying them food, clothes, etc rather than giving money). People end up homeless or in bad situations for all kinds of reasons (not just alcohol or drugs, um… anyone heard of the recession we went through for the last how many years?). What you shouldn’t do is label them all “bums” like our inconsiderate friend Paul above who clearly hasn’t given an ounce of thought to the situations that the homeless and at risk face if he thinks its just as easy as walking into McDonald’s and getting hired for a job and all of a sudden your life is beautiful. This kind of detestment of the most vulnerable in society is a sign of the times in America. Rather than having compassion for people that have it worse than us, we write them off and call them drunks or druggies without knowing a damn thing about them, while we sit in our ivory towers. I applaud you for giving someone a chance, even if it didn’t end like you’d hoped. But don’t lose your faith in other people (and trust me, I’ve been close myself many times).
I don’t know about you, but around my place there is always something that could be done that I haven’t gotten to yet. If someone wants money, I’m willing to pay them for working. It gets them money, gets the job done and shows them that they have the ability to make money instead of begging for it. Those who only want to use you won’t take you up on it and so they have self-selected themself out. Between you and your nearby friends, you can probably come up with a few jobs.
I’ve also given food or filled up restaurant loyalty cards. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. Taking some extra tomatoes from the garden to friends, I stopped at a light where someone was begging for money for food. When I gave him a couple of tomatoes, he talked about throwing them at someone. I wasn’t pleased.
Calling them on their lies and being willing to help them more than they ask (e.g. offering to take him to Walmart, buying the phone card and loading it right then) are good ways to tell if they are trying to do better or just using you.
Good luck!
I’m a traveler also homeless yes there is people out here who act homeless and at the end of the day they get in their car and they go home some are drunks some are addicts but the truth is I don’t care who you are you sleep eat drink walk n dream these streets like us and you too will find your escape drugs drinking lotto sex whatever your fix may be not all people are like this guy Frank so please don’t judge us all on 1 individual I’m here in Charlottesville often and I’ve met really nice people and I’ve met my fair share of assholes too here it takes all kinds to make this world go around